ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think I won the penis lottery.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Randomize
