My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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