This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she peed on how many people?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
