i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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