shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
