Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
