new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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