Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
