I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
