my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You can't just leave with hair like that
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
