Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
