The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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