i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
