i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
false alarm, still single
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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