Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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