i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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