just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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