there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
