Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
