i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
