Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Randomize
