I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
