the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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