so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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