My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
