I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
