hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
