white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
It's never too late to be topless.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
