Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
