hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
