if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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