I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
