hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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