A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
