Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Welp...herpes.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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