I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
