he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
