We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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