Got a toothbrush?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
