Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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