You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
