Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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