yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
