I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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