but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
