Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
