my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
