My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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