My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
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