If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
